Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Tuesday Meme

Ten On Tuesday

10 Favorite Articles of Clothing
1. my sexy jeans
2. my scarves
3. my grey half tie shirt
4. sandles
5. sweatshirts
6. lingerie
7. warm socks
8. pj pants
9. skirts
10. tank tops

Monday, January 30, 2006

Monday Meme

Monday's a Bitch

1. In your opinion, what separates a healthy sexual appetite from being a slut?
I think that knowing your partners and their last names is important.

2. Would you date a really nice, attractive, person with herpes?
I dont think so. I would be too concerned about my health. Selfish? To each his own.

3. Have you ever experienced coyote ugly?
um no?? lol

4. Whats the lowest youve stooped to get the object of your desire?
I dont like to share. So I tend to be really bitch towards other women I think might be a threat to me and the person I care about.

5. Who do your loins burn for?
Thats EASY. My Stallion

the difference

[Some days, I cant wait for you to wake up in the morning. I feel anxious, there is so much anticipation inside me, just waiting to see you smile at me. I cant remember a time when I felt that way about him.
That sweet look in your eyes right after you have woken up makes me feel good inside. I just want to take you in my arms and squeeze the last bits of sleep from your eyes. I want to wake up next to you every morning, just to see that look.
]

Its amazing to me how much difference there is between the Coach and my Stallion. Of course that must be a huge part of the reason my life is what it is right now, the difference between them. I just really noticed a huge difference in them this weekend. What helped me to see this was the drastic change in my mood when being with the two of them individually. One minute I am loving life and the next, I am dreading every minute that passes.

I am really on the edge of this marriage. I look at it from the outside, like a stranger. I feel no positive emotional connection to this man who I have been with for so long. Saturday night was a huge turning point for me, mentally and I am finally feeling like I could be free soon. I cannot keep allowing him to get away with the things that he does to me. I have done it for so long and been there for him for so long, and I have nothing to show. The only good thing he has ever given me is my son and he only contributed to half of that miracle. I feel empty and dead when I am with him.

Talking about the drastic mood swing, when I am with my Stallion, I could not feel more alive. I spent all day Friday with him. Spontaneously I decided to take the day off from work and it was worth every penny I did not earn that day. I have never laughed so hard or cared less about what was going on outside my bedroom door. Every feeling came so easy to us. It has always been one of my fantasies to spend the day in bed with someone I love and I did that on Friday. I plan on doing it again and again. Neither of us cared about wasting the whole day because really, it wasn't a waste. We did the one thing we both wanted to do with the day. That night, we stayed up talking as long as our bodies would allow us to. There is so much to be learned about the person I fell in love with, and I wish there would be more time so that I could learn it all quickly. He always talks about freezing time for us, just so that we can be together at that moment for as long as we want. On Friday night, time stood still for us, even if it was only for a little while. We talk about our future and even though that's so premature, its so much fun. I know that my future home will not have white walls or clutter. That was decided upon. We didn't decide this, but I know that my future home will also be full of love. Its been a long time since I have looked forward to my future and right now, I cant wait for it to happen.

[I do believe its true, there are roads left in both of our shoes. If the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too.
So Brown Eyes, I hold you near, because you are the only song I want to hear. A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere.
Where Soul Meets Body
]

Monday, January 23, 2006

It's a Good Day

I have a good hangover today. Hard to believe that I can classify a hangover as being good, but this one is.

I had one of the best days yesterday. Its amazing that such simple things as being in the arms of the person you love, can make your day so wonderful. My lips are still swollen from the kisses and my arms feel empty. But I do know that they will be filled again soon, and the thought of that is great.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Customer Gripe of the Day

Wanna know something that bothers me? Grown people who are stupid. I know, this is such a broad range of people, but these people in this particular group really get to me. I never talk much about who I am outside these insane thoughts in my head, and really, what would be the point since this is my blog and I can write whatever I want?

Anyways, I work one of the most thankless, horrid jobs in the country, but they pay me good so that quiets my screams while walking into this building 5 days a week for 8 and a half hours a day. I am a customer service slave. I have worked customer service for 5 years. It's not retail anymore which was 1000 times worse and also face to face which runs the threat of being spit on while being yelled at. Its all over the phone with my trusty MUTE button to mute my sarcastic remarks that fill my previously mentioned smart ass mouth every 10 minutes of the day, type of customer service. For the most thankless and horrid jobs, this is the best kind. Add to it the discomfort of doing customer service for a LARGE RV manufacturer, and here I am. 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.

People who own RV's are great. My parents have had one since I was a kid. I spent countless summers in their motor home traveling all over the great USA. I haven't hit every state, but we got the majority of the Southern states, plus up and down the East and West coast, out of the way. Best times of my life. I cannot wait to find someone who will be willing to travel this country with me again. I cannot wait to be able to get my own RV but let me tell you something, all this RV customer service is teaching me not only more information about motor homes than any human should know, but also enough to learn which kind to buy and definitely which kind NOT to buy. That being said....

Some motor home owners are grown people who are stupid. Wow - they fall into the category of "things that bother me", wouldn't you know it? We get every letter that is written in complaint and in compliment of our company, right here to this office. We are the only department that handles customers in this multi-million dollar corporation. Here is my Customer Gripe of the Day:

Don't you think that if, in the year 2006, you were composing a letter to the president of the company that manufactures your motor home, requesting that he buy back your supposed "lemon", that you would at least spell check said letter? Or at least take notice of the red squiggly line that your Microsoft word document has to be showing you, right click, and fix the spelling of a STATE? You don't even have to think what the correct spelling of this states is! The computer will do all that hard thinking for you! This will maybe, but most likely not, get your letter taken seriously! Please!! Please spare me the enjoyment of laughing at your letter and writing about you in my blog! If I was the CEO of this company, I would have laughed at the letter and given it to my minions to respond to and file. All because you are too lazy to spell check.

FYI: This post was indeed, NOT spell checked.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Fetishes and Pregnancy (In an unrelated sense...)

To call an obsession a fetish is completely healthy. To determine what makes someone obsessed over something, not so easy. To figure out if your lover's obsession with your feet is a fetish, well thats just plain, old fashioned fun. As long as you too are a freak, in the best sense of the word.

I used to have a big problem with my feet. Wait, make that the lower half of my body. My legs were too long and skinny and my feet were WAY too big. Now, 23 years into my life, neither of these two things are quite so bad. Even being married to the man who has no ability to give compliments to anyone but himself and annonymous big breasted women and super skinny girls who look no older than 14, I was able to come to terms with my insecurities and actually start to love these two (previously) rediculously awkward features of mine.

And wouldn't you know it? I found someone else who does too! And let me tell you a secret. [when you find that, its an incredible turn on] There is nothing better than laying on the couch while that someone pulls off your socks and proceeds to rub your soft "feets" and then actually enjoys it. And reminds you that they enjoy it and also that above referenced "feets" are so soft and wow! they smell really good too. A thousand thanks to Foot Works and lavender foot lotion and whoever was smart enough to realize that some women take pride in their feet, smart enough to market products specifically designed for these women (and the men who have these fetishes).

[small update: Getting a phone call in the middle of writing this post, and hearing The Stallion tell me that he has been thinking of my legs all day, also an incredible turn on. Its hard to return to work having to resist the urge to rush home and wrap said legs around said guy.]

I know there are people out there who actually think that feet are gross and are absolutely disgusted with the thought of someone else actually touching your feet. These people have not lived. Get off your chair, call your local salon, and sign yourself up for a pedicure ASAP. Overcome your fears with the bliss of the bubbly foot massage thingy that feels oh so good. My feet are screaming at me as I type this because its been much too long since I have had a pedicure. You never know, your significant other, or future significant other may just have that foot fetish and you should not in any way, shape, or form, withold their urges to touch your feet. You'll thank me later.

On to the pregnancy portion of this post. I am about to vent about something that some people may not agree with, but honestly, I dont give a rip if you agree or not. Its my blog, you dont like it, go away.

Pregnant women should eat. I think most can agree there. The one luxury we have as women when we are pregnant, is the ability to eat anything we want, whenever we want. Its the pure adulteration that comes with being able to splurge on that large fry instead of your usual small, because you are eating for two and that is perfectly justifiable when you explain it to the 15 year old that is looking at you like you are a walking pig at the local McDonalds. He has never been pregnant, will never be, but will understand soon enough, when his future wife is that pig.

Anyways, just this morning, the pregnant girl of the week at work was standing next to the token divorcee who jumped a foot when her belly involuntarily growled at him. Some might think it was because said pregnant girl is now the token pregnant and single girl and her unborn child is growling at a man who could be her daddy (but in reality is not. Unborn baby is just pissed that her real daddy is skipping out on her mommy, already starting the "I hate men" mantra that will get her through high school and the majority of her adult life). Back to the issue at hand, I tell token divorcee that the baby is just hungry and for pregnant girl to feed her unborn child. I'm then basically told that her baby does not eat when it wants to, but when she wants to feed it. Its about 10 in the morning and I learn that the baby has not eaten all day, that mommy to be wakes up hungry but does not eat until later, at her break time. Your unborn child is screaming for food in the womb, and you are too selfish to feed him/her. You dont want your wasteline to expand any more than necessary in the next 7 months, so you starve your fetus? Selfish, Selfish, SELFISH BITCH. Then she tells me, because I know she can see my smart ass remark just forming in my smart ass mouth, that this is perfectly healthy. WHATEVER SELFISH!!! If you hear about a crazy woman stuffing cookies down the throat of her co-worker, all the while screaming that you were doing it for the sake of her baby, remember what you just read.

But who am I to tell pregnant girl how to nurture her unborn child?? If the baby is born small, believe me, that will be the least of this kids worries, being born to the mother it is being born to. I'll just be sure to annonymously mail the kid cake and Dr. Phil books every month for the first 10 years of his or her life.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Brad Pitt's baby

I am a dreamer. Not in the daydreaming sense of the word, but in the literal sense. I dream almost every night and 9 out of 10 days, I can still remember that dream past my morning latte. Last night was no exception, with the one exception that its now 3:30 in the afternoon and after my latte, my turkey sandwhich, my cherry coke, and 17 total calls from pissed off motor home owners, I can still remember the smallest details of my dream last night.

You know how they say it takes at least an hour to reach the REM (which I always believed to be a band) stage before you actually dream? I dont think this is true. They also say that your dreams only last a matter of minutes total. I dont think this is true either. I mean, really, how can these researchers really determine that? You cant crawl into someone's head and click your stopwatch at the start of your dream, as well as at the end. I think that's impossible. My dreams last hours if I'm lucky enough to be caught in a good one. Last night's was pretty fine indeed. Well if I think about it, it wasn't a good feeling story, but I am catagorizing it as good because Bratt Pitt was in it.
[We are NOT talking about dirty Angelina pleasing, Jennifer heartbreaking, mess he has become. My Brad was cleaner. ]

First I was walking with someone down a road, and we were passing a yoga place. People were doing the most elaborate yoga positions and my partner [unamed and no face or recollection of WHO this person was] starts complaining about how those yoga people can bend like that. So then we see this hottie who looks just like Sophia Bush being yelled at by the instructor. Transport me into her body. I'm lookin good as Sophia Bush. Score! Ok so now I am getting yelled at. Not good. Anyways, my instructor tells me that I have to go cash 3 checks. One is for a huge amount of money because its for someone else's very expensive perscription. For what drug, I dont know, so dont ask. The other two are funds for this instructor. Why she is sending me as Sophia Bush, I do not know. All I know is I feel really pissed off that this bendy yoga bitch is yelling at me. So I leave the yoga place and I start towards this busy street. Me as Sophia looks down, and wow! Look how pregnant I am. And facing a very busy street to cross. The pregnant crazy me as Sophia thinks that it is awfully rude of these people not to stop for the very sexy and very pregnant Sophia. So I start dodging cars and somehow, end up across the street. I guess I know where I am going and end up in a mall, that happens to have the branch of bank I need. Well I never get to the bank. I blow the first two checks on clothes in typical Sophia Bush as Brooke would do. And I am a hot pregnant woman after this. More hot than before. So then I end up in some place, which is indescribable, and here I am with my husband who just so happens to be Brad, whom I can only land thinking I am Sophia Bush. My dream self esteem is so high, can you tell?

Anyways, he is talking about going to Vegas for 5 hours with his friends. At this point, I think we are in Tahoe. So you can see the demographic delema of the space between Tahoe and Vegas. Anyways, my pregnant self gets very angry at how selfish this is and I run waddle to the bathroom. He follows me and for whatever reason, on the wall, I can see myself and shaved head Brad fooling around, like an old movie. I point and say "See! See what we were doing here LAST year at this time. And now you want to leave me to go to Vegas." So I guess we fooled around last year in that Tahoe bathroom. Too bad I didn't dream THAT part. Then I am worrying about the expensive prescription check I didnt cash because now the bank is closed. Then I left Brad behind and went to another party, not pregnant.

What does that mean? Anyone?

I didn't think so...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Inadequacy

Do you ever have days when you feel that every thing you do is just not good enough? Sometimes I think that all my good intentions will never be enough. Today, I am not good enough. For anything or anyone. For whatever reason, today I am not enough.
Everything in my life right now is spiralling out of control. In reality, things are very grounded with no intention of going down hill. Along with waiting for the other shoe to drop every second of the day, I think the spiralling is all in my head. That scares me more. My existance is so fragile, my world is going to break any second.

[Here I go, scream my lungs out. Try to get to you]

I have this huge fear that I am building up this alternative life for myself and for my future. For a long time, I could clearly see my path laid in front of me. It was pretty dull. Now, I have this fork in my road. I am so scared to take it. 99% of me thinks it would be the best decision I could ever make for myself. 1% thinks it would be stupid. That 1 itty bitty percent, owns me. That 1% scares the hell out of me. For one, I want everything this new path has to offer. The love, the laughter, the thought in my head that it can only get better from here. Then I have to think about the other person, the person who could give me all of those things that I so desperatly need and have not had for the past 5 years of my life. This person, this part of me, has so much to offer this life. He has his whole future ahead of him, open to make choices now that will shape the rest of his life. I know we dont always make the right choices but I think he just might be wise enough to make the right choices for himself. It scares me to death that because he knows and loves me, that love alone willl limit those choices and take so many of them away from him. Could you live with yourself if you knew you had that capability?

Even if things ended up the way I wish they could, they would not be easy. They would be so hard. Even if we got through the hard time we face, if we do choose to pursue this life, another thing that scares me is that even after all that, I will let him down. There will come a time when he looks at me and says "you aren't enough" and he will think of me as the biggest mistake of his life.

My life right now, as I type this, is just that. My husband sees me, and knows he made a mistake. However he is too big a wimp to admit that to himself. Our lives have progressed in such a way that this realization made has no emotional effect on me. With everything in our marriage, I need to give him time to realize this himself. He says it to me, he just cant cope with the fact that he actually means it. It scares HIM to think of his life without me, even with every way that I hinder him and make his life miserable, as he so loves to remind me. He loves the comfort of me but hates the way he believes I restrict his intentions of the way his life should be. Eventually he will realize that we would be such better people without each other but if I forced that out of him right now, it would be messy and destructive for both of us and our son.

I dont let his feelings towards me upset me. I went through that phase and it has passed. I dont let it upset me that he is more than likely cheating on me. At this point, if it makes him happy, then go on with it. Does that make part of me dead inside because I cant cry for almost 10 years of my life wasted? He has changed my life and made me a lesser person. I have just started gaining myself back, because of that other person. And as hard as my husband tries day in and day out, I will not let him take that away from me again. I just wish that we can go our seperate ways easily, without complication. But my husband lives each day to make my life complicated. It is the reason he gets out of bed each day.

My life is torn in half today. It will be that way tomorrow too. One half of me is stuck in this rut, waiting for a gown man to realize that he can live his own life, all on his own. The other half of me is in love. In love and living in this fantasy that there is someone out there that loves me. That looks at me and sees beauty and love. I dont feel worthy of his feelings, I dont feel like I am enough for them. He has all those emotions inside of him, he can give them to me so easily, but I feel like I am wasting his time and wasting his heart. I am scared to break him in such a way that he becomes bitter. He is too beautiful to be that and I am terrified that I will make him that. I am ashamed to feel that giving myself to him will not be enough when all is said and done. I am scared that he will expect more from me, when I wont be able to give him anything else or to meet his expectations. I will not be enough.

[I'm so sorry that I won't be enough for you]

Monday, January 09, 2006

Did Someone Say Happy New Year?

It's 2006. It's 9 days into 2006. Already. Where the hell did 9 days go? It seems like just last night I was throwing up Vodka. Ok in reality, that part of the night was a blur. New Years did not go as planned but the first day of the year was frighteningly perfect. Ok, squirming around on a twin size bed on top of a Dollz comforter wasn't exactly romantic, but my friend texting "You have 5 minutes!" certainly added to the atmosphere. I felt like a naughty teenager again. [Remember "naughty teenager" for later role playing] In light of my recent love life, I don't think I was blessed with that whole "getting caught being exciting" feeling. Getting caught would suck right now. Now having sex without worrying about whether or not the door is locked is a dream I hope to make a reality sometime this year. Add that to my list of resolutions.

Oh I did make one this year. I never do. I dont see the point because I never keep them. Ever. Not one. But this year's is to get back in shape. Yes, I am skinny. Not Paris Hilton Skinny but old Lindsay Lohan skinny without the fat legs, before she starved herself into skeleton form. I dont need to loose weight. I just need to tone. Don't you love that word? Tone. It sounds so stupid. I guess with a musical background and not a physical background, it just sounds funny to me when used to refer to my body.

Since I am new to this whole independent blogging thing, can someone explain to me what a blogroll is? It sounds like a secret club but I am beginning to think it isn't. I don't want to add my own blogroll of blogs that I love to check into, only to find out that I am breaking some secret rule of blogging. How scary to be extradited for doing something you don't know you are doing. Especially in the high pressure world of personal blogs. So what. Can I just start linking blogs that I love to check out under the appropriate "my blogroll" heading? Or do I have to ask permission from the blog gods first? Someone spare me the humiliation and let me in on the secret. Your karma points will skyrocket, I promise.