Monday, January 30, 2006

the difference

[Some days, I cant wait for you to wake up in the morning. I feel anxious, there is so much anticipation inside me, just waiting to see you smile at me. I cant remember a time when I felt that way about him.
That sweet look in your eyes right after you have woken up makes me feel good inside. I just want to take you in my arms and squeeze the last bits of sleep from your eyes. I want to wake up next to you every morning, just to see that look.
]

Its amazing to me how much difference there is between the Coach and my Stallion. Of course that must be a huge part of the reason my life is what it is right now, the difference between them. I just really noticed a huge difference in them this weekend. What helped me to see this was the drastic change in my mood when being with the two of them individually. One minute I am loving life and the next, I am dreading every minute that passes.

I am really on the edge of this marriage. I look at it from the outside, like a stranger. I feel no positive emotional connection to this man who I have been with for so long. Saturday night was a huge turning point for me, mentally and I am finally feeling like I could be free soon. I cannot keep allowing him to get away with the things that he does to me. I have done it for so long and been there for him for so long, and I have nothing to show. The only good thing he has ever given me is my son and he only contributed to half of that miracle. I feel empty and dead when I am with him.

Talking about the drastic mood swing, when I am with my Stallion, I could not feel more alive. I spent all day Friday with him. Spontaneously I decided to take the day off from work and it was worth every penny I did not earn that day. I have never laughed so hard or cared less about what was going on outside my bedroom door. Every feeling came so easy to us. It has always been one of my fantasies to spend the day in bed with someone I love and I did that on Friday. I plan on doing it again and again. Neither of us cared about wasting the whole day because really, it wasn't a waste. We did the one thing we both wanted to do with the day. That night, we stayed up talking as long as our bodies would allow us to. There is so much to be learned about the person I fell in love with, and I wish there would be more time so that I could learn it all quickly. He always talks about freezing time for us, just so that we can be together at that moment for as long as we want. On Friday night, time stood still for us, even if it was only for a little while. We talk about our future and even though that's so premature, its so much fun. I know that my future home will not have white walls or clutter. That was decided upon. We didn't decide this, but I know that my future home will also be full of love. Its been a long time since I have looked forward to my future and right now, I cant wait for it to happen.

[I do believe its true, there are roads left in both of our shoes. If the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too.
So Brown Eyes, I hold you near, because you are the only song I want to hear. A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere.
Where Soul Meets Body
]

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