Monday, January 16, 2006

Fetishes and Pregnancy (In an unrelated sense...)

To call an obsession a fetish is completely healthy. To determine what makes someone obsessed over something, not so easy. To figure out if your lover's obsession with your feet is a fetish, well thats just plain, old fashioned fun. As long as you too are a freak, in the best sense of the word.

I used to have a big problem with my feet. Wait, make that the lower half of my body. My legs were too long and skinny and my feet were WAY too big. Now, 23 years into my life, neither of these two things are quite so bad. Even being married to the man who has no ability to give compliments to anyone but himself and annonymous big breasted women and super skinny girls who look no older than 14, I was able to come to terms with my insecurities and actually start to love these two (previously) rediculously awkward features of mine.

And wouldn't you know it? I found someone else who does too! And let me tell you a secret. [when you find that, its an incredible turn on] There is nothing better than laying on the couch while that someone pulls off your socks and proceeds to rub your soft "feets" and then actually enjoys it. And reminds you that they enjoy it and also that above referenced "feets" are so soft and wow! they smell really good too. A thousand thanks to Foot Works and lavender foot lotion and whoever was smart enough to realize that some women take pride in their feet, smart enough to market products specifically designed for these women (and the men who have these fetishes).

[small update: Getting a phone call in the middle of writing this post, and hearing The Stallion tell me that he has been thinking of my legs all day, also an incredible turn on. Its hard to return to work having to resist the urge to rush home and wrap said legs around said guy.]

I know there are people out there who actually think that feet are gross and are absolutely disgusted with the thought of someone else actually touching your feet. These people have not lived. Get off your chair, call your local salon, and sign yourself up for a pedicure ASAP. Overcome your fears with the bliss of the bubbly foot massage thingy that feels oh so good. My feet are screaming at me as I type this because its been much too long since I have had a pedicure. You never know, your significant other, or future significant other may just have that foot fetish and you should not in any way, shape, or form, withold their urges to touch your feet. You'll thank me later.

On to the pregnancy portion of this post. I am about to vent about something that some people may not agree with, but honestly, I dont give a rip if you agree or not. Its my blog, you dont like it, go away.

Pregnant women should eat. I think most can agree there. The one luxury we have as women when we are pregnant, is the ability to eat anything we want, whenever we want. Its the pure adulteration that comes with being able to splurge on that large fry instead of your usual small, because you are eating for two and that is perfectly justifiable when you explain it to the 15 year old that is looking at you like you are a walking pig at the local McDonalds. He has never been pregnant, will never be, but will understand soon enough, when his future wife is that pig.

Anyways, just this morning, the pregnant girl of the week at work was standing next to the token divorcee who jumped a foot when her belly involuntarily growled at him. Some might think it was because said pregnant girl is now the token pregnant and single girl and her unborn child is growling at a man who could be her daddy (but in reality is not. Unborn baby is just pissed that her real daddy is skipping out on her mommy, already starting the "I hate men" mantra that will get her through high school and the majority of her adult life). Back to the issue at hand, I tell token divorcee that the baby is just hungry and for pregnant girl to feed her unborn child. I'm then basically told that her baby does not eat when it wants to, but when she wants to feed it. Its about 10 in the morning and I learn that the baby has not eaten all day, that mommy to be wakes up hungry but does not eat until later, at her break time. Your unborn child is screaming for food in the womb, and you are too selfish to feed him/her. You dont want your wasteline to expand any more than necessary in the next 7 months, so you starve your fetus? Selfish, Selfish, SELFISH BITCH. Then she tells me, because I know she can see my smart ass remark just forming in my smart ass mouth, that this is perfectly healthy. WHATEVER SELFISH!!! If you hear about a crazy woman stuffing cookies down the throat of her co-worker, all the while screaming that you were doing it for the sake of her baby, remember what you just read.

But who am I to tell pregnant girl how to nurture her unborn child?? If the baby is born small, believe me, that will be the least of this kids worries, being born to the mother it is being born to. I'll just be sure to annonymously mail the kid cake and Dr. Phil books every month for the first 10 years of his or her life.


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