Wednesday, January 11, 2006


Do you ever have days when you feel that every thing you do is just not good enough? Sometimes I think that all my good intentions will never be enough. Today, I am not good enough. For anything or anyone. For whatever reason, today I am not enough.
Everything in my life right now is spiralling out of control. In reality, things are very grounded with no intention of going down hill. Along with waiting for the other shoe to drop every second of the day, I think the spiralling is all in my head. That scares me more. My existance is so fragile, my world is going to break any second.

[Here I go, scream my lungs out. Try to get to you]

I have this huge fear that I am building up this alternative life for myself and for my future. For a long time, I could clearly see my path laid in front of me. It was pretty dull. Now, I have this fork in my road. I am so scared to take it. 99% of me thinks it would be the best decision I could ever make for myself. 1% thinks it would be stupid. That 1 itty bitty percent, owns me. That 1% scares the hell out of me. For one, I want everything this new path has to offer. The love, the laughter, the thought in my head that it can only get better from here. Then I have to think about the other person, the person who could give me all of those things that I so desperatly need and have not had for the past 5 years of my life. This person, this part of me, has so much to offer this life. He has his whole future ahead of him, open to make choices now that will shape the rest of his life. I know we dont always make the right choices but I think he just might be wise enough to make the right choices for himself. It scares me to death that because he knows and loves me, that love alone willl limit those choices and take so many of them away from him. Could you live with yourself if you knew you had that capability?

Even if things ended up the way I wish they could, they would not be easy. They would be so hard. Even if we got through the hard time we face, if we do choose to pursue this life, another thing that scares me is that even after all that, I will let him down. There will come a time when he looks at me and says "you aren't enough" and he will think of me as the biggest mistake of his life.

My life right now, as I type this, is just that. My husband sees me, and knows he made a mistake. However he is too big a wimp to admit that to himself. Our lives have progressed in such a way that this realization made has no emotional effect on me. With everything in our marriage, I need to give him time to realize this himself. He says it to me, he just cant cope with the fact that he actually means it. It scares HIM to think of his life without me, even with every way that I hinder him and make his life miserable, as he so loves to remind me. He loves the comfort of me but hates the way he believes I restrict his intentions of the way his life should be. Eventually he will realize that we would be such better people without each other but if I forced that out of him right now, it would be messy and destructive for both of us and our son.

I dont let his feelings towards me upset me. I went through that phase and it has passed. I dont let it upset me that he is more than likely cheating on me. At this point, if it makes him happy, then go on with it. Does that make part of me dead inside because I cant cry for almost 10 years of my life wasted? He has changed my life and made me a lesser person. I have just started gaining myself back, because of that other person. And as hard as my husband tries day in and day out, I will not let him take that away from me again. I just wish that we can go our seperate ways easily, without complication. But my husband lives each day to make my life complicated. It is the reason he gets out of bed each day.

My life is torn in half today. It will be that way tomorrow too. One half of me is stuck in this rut, waiting for a gown man to realize that he can live his own life, all on his own. The other half of me is in love. In love and living in this fantasy that there is someone out there that loves me. That looks at me and sees beauty and love. I dont feel worthy of his feelings, I dont feel like I am enough for them. He has all those emotions inside of him, he can give them to me so easily, but I feel like I am wasting his time and wasting his heart. I am scared to break him in such a way that he becomes bitter. He is too beautiful to be that and I am terrified that I will make him that. I am ashamed to feel that giving myself to him will not be enough when all is said and done. I am scared that he will expect more from me, when I wont be able to give him anything else or to meet his expectations. I will not be enough.

[I'm so sorry that I won't be enough for you]


Anonymous Lucy said...

Melissa - Have you ever read the book "Are you the right one for me"? If not, i recommend it.

It helped me a lot years ago...
Here's a link to this book - if your interested.

7:42 PM  
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