Friday, February 10, 2006

hmmmm

I'm in a really weird place right now.
[Example: I just sat here for 5 minutes after typing my first sentence and literally found no words to continue this or express my feelings right now]
This week has been really emotional in the house. Between fighting and discussing our marriage, I am just sick of being there. I hate to allow him to pretend that everything is fine between us when I know that nothing inside of me has changed. He is trying too hard to trap me again, into his life, by making nice and trying to make things go smoothly. But then he just says that one thing or does that one thing that pisses me off so badly that I want to pack a bag and never come back. I know its what I ultimately need to do. It scares me so much. Leaving him behind is not scary. Being an adult, all on my own is whats scary. Admitting that 'I DONT LOVE HIM' right to his face, is scary too. Being that cold is frightening. But thinking about it, its what I need to do. What do I owe him? After all the years he has mistreated me, I dont owe him anything. He thinks that two weeks of a good attitude is going to fix 8 years of pain? I cant let him continue to think that.

Being alone wont be so bad. I have good friends and good family to turn to. I have my son. I have all my volunteering with the American Cancer Society, as well as the Youth Soccer Org to keep me busy. In the end, I would have myself to turn to. Isn't that all we should expect in the end anyways?

I know I am leaving something out. Someone. The One That Makes My Heart Smile. (yes I busted out the extended version of his name)
I have this problem with myself. When I love someone, I give them all of my love. It scares me to think that they might not know how much I love them. With the relationships I have had, I have noticed a pattern in relation to this. Men get scared away. Why, I'm not sure. I dont think this is exactly the case with him. Maybe my ability to express my love and ultimately, my vulnerability, has given him the idea that I am weak, that I cant stand up for myself in some way. He knows how to hurt me. Already. Why do I allow this to happen? Its all that opening up and giving myself to him. I hope he doesn't hurt me intentionally and I hope that I am just taking this week too much to heart. But it still hurts.

I dont want to give the impression that he is a bad guy. He is wonderful. Its just this week, I'm telling you! Its this weird place I am in. I dont know how to make it clear to him that all I want is for him to hold me and just be with me. Nothing physical has to be exchanged. I just want to sit with him, with his arms around me and that would make this week go away. I dont want to think about the fact that he told me he has some girl in one of his classes that likes him (that he also stayed up late talking to one night)(and we all know that those late night talks about nothing are always the best kind). I'm a jealous person. I get sick to my stomach when I think about anyone else enjoying his time or his laugh with the intention of having feelings towards him. PHYSICALLY SICK. But who am I to have room to talk to him about it? How must he feel to know I go home to my husband each night? I would go home to him every night if I could. Hopefully I can soon enough. It just must be frustrating for him to be there right now.

Maybe thats why he is having a slight shitty attitude with me this week. Or maybe its just me.

I am reminded by the calender that this could very well be a case of PMS. Usually its only a day but its stretched from bad to worse as this week has progressed. I can tell that it must be PMS because on the way back to the office from lunch today, a fist full of greasy fries in my hand, I smiled for the first time today because "Baby Got Back" came on the radio. Yea, it must be PMS.

6 Comments:

Blogger truckdriver_sefl said...

"Mom" I know just how you feel here. I have been married for 25 years. Love her but not in love and I just cant look at her and say I want out. God I am fucked.It makes me feel really really alone.
Here is a big hug for ya dear hang in there:-}

10:51 AM  
Blogger Deadly Female said...

Found you through Clumcy Cajun - I can relate to this post xx

11:05 PM  
Blogger Southern Sweetheart said...

Just wanted to tell you - you're not alone.... keep your head up lady!

9:49 PM  
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