Friday, April 28, 2006

Is eating really worth it?

Thats the view from my window at work. The first half of the parking lot is for "customer parking only". They actually spray painted this on the curb in front of each space. The second half is basically "anyone can park here" parking. Employee parking is behind that building in the far left. Yea thats across the street. No one parks there unless a)they show up to work after 8:30 or b)they leave the lot for lunch. You get extremely LUCKY if you do either a or b and find a spot when you get back.

This has made me contemplate the question, "Is eating really worth it?"

And you know what, I love to eat but I hate parking across the street. Somedays, I make a tough choice. Other days, I just watch to see about 5 people leave for lunch, grab my purse, run out the door, speed off to get my lunch, and rush back to get one of those spots. Then I eat at my desk and read blogs about gas.

Friday, April 14, 2006

the days go by....

Every day that passes this month just keeps getting stranger and stranger. Yesterday was a pretty craptastic day. I found time to spend with the One Who Makes My Heart Smile (even if it was only about 2 hours) and I dont think we said more than 15 words to each other. From the moment I picked him up, he seemed to be upset with me. When we had spoke earlier in the day, everything seemed fine. It was really bad when we left my BFF's house. He didnt say more than 5 words to me. I am still wondering what motivated him to act that way towards me. I thought a long time about it after wards trying to figure out what I had done to him and I just couldn't figure it out. Of course I went through the normal thoughts of self doubt and all that. I think I might have been angry at him for his behavior for all of about 2 seconds. After that I just felt sad. For the first time since we have been together, last night was the first time that we did not kiss.

I know that I dont need this added drama in my life. But if I didnt have this drama, ultimately that would mean that he would not be in my life. Last night, I cried myself to sleep thinking of all the wonderful things that he brings to my life.

He makes me feel beautiful.
Everytime we are together, we make each other laugh.
He makes me feel smart.
He loves me for me and he isnt trying to make me into someone else.
He loves my son.
He makes me smile EVERY SINGLE DAY.
He gives me a reason to fight for my future.

I also thought about all the things I would be loosing if I lost him.

My smile
My strength
Dancing at our wedding
Writing our own vows
Having beautiful babies with his lips and my eyes.
Growing old with someone I love
My best friend

There are so many more things that I can add to both these lists. But to me, he is more than just a few lists in a blog. He is the love of my life. I consider myself so lucky that I was presented this second chance at love, happiness, and forever with someone so special. I know all this to be true because at 6:30 this morning, I got a text message with his apology for acting stupid. He was sincerely sorry for the way he acted. I was seriously scared of the thought that I could loose him. I knew that what happened last night did not mean the end but the thought that someday it could actually happen, scared me so bad.

The thing about it is, every day I am watching him change. I realized something today. I am watching him grow up. In some ways, I know that he resents our situation and his choice to be with me. Even if its a sliver of resentment, its there, I can feel it. Its an ugly little sliver of distain for the choices he has made and the commitment that he might be scared to live up to. But I have known all of this for a long time. I have just been trying to stop that sliver from growing into something huge. I think I am starting to slip up and its getting bigger with each passing day.

But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard and thats all I can give.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Guess who's back......

Wow... its been forever and a day. I didnt forget about my blogger.... I promise. I have just been so dang busy that its sick. I started my new job and its great. I love it. I get my first full pay check on the 6th so we'll see how fat it is.

Life has been nothing short of interesting. I still have the Coach on my ass, riding me like crazy. Its hard to get up and leave, which I'm sure some people can relate to. When he talks to me or tries to touch me, I feel nothing. We sleep in seperate rooms and I love having my bed to myself. I wish I could fill it with someone else of course, but its I will be able to soon enough.

Yes, I am still with my Stallion. Going on 5 strong months next week. He knows me and he still loves me. He struggles daily with my marriage and I hate to bring that upon him but the love he has for me seems to help him through it. We had a little rough patch not too long ago. Weekends are what seems to be the hardest for both of us. The Coach has been trying to keep me on lockdown so it makes it hard for me to even breathe without being questioned why. I swear, he watches my every move like a halk. So my time with my Stallion has been hard to find. I mean, we still find every opportunity we can to be together and its so good when we are. He can read all my signs that I give, emotionally and physically and he is so good at what he does. He is so good at loving me. He knows how to push my buttons and how to calm me at the same time. He just knows me, inside and out. And he appreciates me. God how he does. Its all of these things that keep my love for him so strong.

[All my life, I prayed for someone like you. I thank God that I finally found you. And I hope that you feel the same way too....]