Friday, April 14, 2006

the days go by....

Every day that passes this month just keeps getting stranger and stranger. Yesterday was a pretty craptastic day. I found time to spend with the One Who Makes My Heart Smile (even if it was only about 2 hours) and I dont think we said more than 15 words to each other. From the moment I picked him up, he seemed to be upset with me. When we had spoke earlier in the day, everything seemed fine. It was really bad when we left my BFF's house. He didnt say more than 5 words to me. I am still wondering what motivated him to act that way towards me. I thought a long time about it after wards trying to figure out what I had done to him and I just couldn't figure it out. Of course I went through the normal thoughts of self doubt and all that. I think I might have been angry at him for his behavior for all of about 2 seconds. After that I just felt sad. For the first time since we have been together, last night was the first time that we did not kiss.

I know that I dont need this added drama in my life. But if I didnt have this drama, ultimately that would mean that he would not be in my life. Last night, I cried myself to sleep thinking of all the wonderful things that he brings to my life.

He makes me feel beautiful.
Everytime we are together, we make each other laugh.
He makes me feel smart.
He loves me for me and he isnt trying to make me into someone else.
He loves my son.
He makes me smile EVERY SINGLE DAY.
He gives me a reason to fight for my future.

I also thought about all the things I would be loosing if I lost him.

My smile
My strength
Dancing at our wedding
Writing our own vows
Having beautiful babies with his lips and my eyes.
Growing old with someone I love
My best friend

There are so many more things that I can add to both these lists. But to me, he is more than just a few lists in a blog. He is the love of my life. I consider myself so lucky that I was presented this second chance at love, happiness, and forever with someone so special. I know all this to be true because at 6:30 this morning, I got a text message with his apology for acting stupid. He was sincerely sorry for the way he acted. I was seriously scared of the thought that I could loose him. I knew that what happened last night did not mean the end but the thought that someday it could actually happen, scared me so bad.

The thing about it is, every day I am watching him change. I realized something today. I am watching him grow up. In some ways, I know that he resents our situation and his choice to be with me. Even if its a sliver of resentment, its there, I can feel it. Its an ugly little sliver of distain for the choices he has made and the commitment that he might be scared to live up to. But I have known all of this for a long time. I have just been trying to stop that sliver from growing into something huge. I think I am starting to slip up and its getting bigger with each passing day.

But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard and thats all I can give.


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